Peaceful Parenting: Jessica Leischner Of Friedman, Grimes, Meinken & Leischner on 5 Essential Tips for Successfully Sharing Custody

Co-parenting after a separation or divorce can be challenging, but it is possible to create a peaceful, cooperative arrangement that prioritizes the well-being of the child. What are the key strategies that help parents navigate shared custody with respect, communication, and stability? As a part of this series I had the pleasure of interviewing Jessica Leischner.

Jessica L. Leischner is a partner with Friedman, Grimes, Meinken & Leischner PLLC. As an accomplished family law attorney, litigator and mediator serving Northern Virginia, Ms. Leischner represents clients in Fairfax County, Alexandria City, Arlington County, Loudoun County, Stafford County, and Prince William County. Ms. Leischner’s practice is exclusively in the area of family law, including divorce, child custody, visitation, child support, spousal support, equitable distribution, settlement agreements, property rights, post-divorce disputes and otherfamily law matters. With the proximity to Washington, D.C., Ms. Leischner has extensive experience in cases involving federal government employees, military personnel, Foreign Service employees, including complex retirement issues. Ms. Leischner has widespread experience in litigation, as well as the negotiation and settlement of cases. Dedicated to volunteering her time and legal skills to help low-income clients, Ms. Leischner takes on pro bono cases through Legal Services of Northern Virginia, helping clients on a volunteer basis with matters related to domestic violence, divorce, child custody, child support and other family law issues.

Ms. Leischner is the President of the Alexandria Bar Association Board, as well as a member of several other professional organizations. She mentors youth who have received the Alexandria Bar Foundation’s “Beat the Odds” scholarships, which are designed to help young people who have overcome adversity and gone on to pursue higher education.

Thank you so much for doing this with us! Can you tell us a little about yourself?

I’m a partner at Friedman, Grimes, Meinken & Leischner PLLC in Alexandria, Virginia. I practice family law across Northern Virginia, handling divorce, custody, support, property disputes, prenuptial agreements and other family law matters. With Northern Virginia’s proximity to D.C., I have extensive experience with cases involving federal government employees, including Foreign Service Officers and military personnel, many which involve complex retirement and benefit issues.

While many of my cases involve litigation, I am a strong proponent for resolving cases through settlement, whether it be through direct negotiations or mediation, as it allows the parties to control the outcome, which is especially important when dealing with the future of your family. I also volunteer with Legal Services of Northern Virginia, providing pro bono representation in family law matters.

Thank you for sharing that. Let’s jump into our main topic. What are the biggest challenges parents face when trying to coparent peacefully after separation or divorce?

Coparenting requires both parents’ commitment to work together for the betterment of their children.

As with any relationship, communication is key. Parents need to be able to communicate effectively with each other for the benefit of their children. Coparenting after separation or divorce can present several challenges, so it is important for parents to be able to communicate productively. Parents should focus on what is best for their children with the goal of jointly working together to provide consistency and stability, while attempting to limit the impact of their separation and divorce on the children. Figuring out how to communicate in this new relationship as coparents is essential. If parents cannot effectively communicate with each other, their ability to coparent will become an issue, which will ultimately impact their children.

Parents need to put their children first. There will be times when you are frustrated with the other parent, which is normal. The important thing is to not project your frustration onto the children. While the issue may not have been caused by the children, they will internalize your frustration and may feel some responsibility for it because, but for them, there would not be an issue. Also, knowing what your responsibilities are and being proactive will go a long way to limit issues.

Many issues can be avoided by knowing, in advance, what each parent is supposed to in a given situation and being flexible when unforeseen situations arise. It is also important for children to feel safe and secure in this new parenting arrangement.

Children’s lives are always evolving, which in turn means parents must also evolve. By working together to maintain a unified coparenting relationship, parents can limit the stress and uncertainty for their children.

Every family is different. As parents, you need to do what is best for your family. When deciding custody schedules, coordinating pick-ups and drop-offs, figuring out holiday schedules and vacations, etc., there is no cookie-cutter arrangement. The most important thing is for you and the other parent to be on the same page.

Remember that, while the other parent may do things different from how you do things, he/she is more than capable of caring for the children. Respect each other’s time with the children.

Coparents must prioritize effective communication, consistency, and the children’s well-being. Utilizing coparenting specialists, mediation, counseling, and legal guidance can help create stable and cooperative coparenting arrangements.

How can parents effectively communicate and resolve conflicts while sharing custody?

Focus on the issues and solving the problem. Try to put blame and emotions aside to address the issue at hand. Communicate openly and honestly about the problem. Many times, parents will feel the need to withhold information for fear that the other parent may use it against him/her. Remember that the goal is to do what is best for your children. Put their needs first. In a good coparenting relationship, the other parent will respect your honesty. By contrast, if a parent later discovers the other parent withheld information from him/her, this will create more problems in the future and create mistrust.

How can parents manage their own emotions and personal differences to prioritize their child’s well-being?

It is so important for parents to manage their emotions and keep their personal differences away from the children. Children can sense when their parents are at odds, which causes stress and anxiety for the children. Develop and rely on a support system, whether it be family, friends, therapy, and/or support groups. Some parents may worry that seeking therapy or other mental services could negatively impact them in custody proceedings. However, the courts do not fault parents for taking steps to address their mental health. On the contrary, prioritizing your mental health and emotional well-being demonstrates to the court you are self-aware and taking responsibility, which are qualities courts recognize as beneficial for both the parent and the children. Surrounding yourself with trusted friends and family can help ease the emotional burden, providing a space to seek advice, vent frustrations, or simply find comfort during difficult times. Having a reliable network can make a significant difference in processing the changes that come with separation and coparenting.

Additionally, maintaining a healthy lifestyle plays a crucial role in managing stress. Regular exercise, a balanced diet, and sufficient sleep help stabilize mood and energy levels, making it easier to navigate difficult situations with a clear mind and a steady temperament.

Divorce and custody battles can be emotionally taxing, but it is essential to remember that children thrive when their parents are at their best. Prioritizing self-care isn’t selfish; it is a necessary step toward providing a stable, loving environment for your child.

What role does flexibility play in successful coparenting, and how can parents balance structure with adaptability?

Both parents should be committed to providing the children with consistency, stability and structure. However, there will be times when parents will need to be flexible. To maintain a successful coparenting relationship, parents must communicate and respect the other parent’s time and be aware that one parent’s unexpected situation is now not only impacting the children but also the other parent. When an unexpected situation arises with the children, parents should work together and be flexible to address this situation with the least possible impact to the children. For example, if a child becomes ill at school and needs to go home, the custodial parent may not be able to get the child from school and care for him/her due to a work conflict. The other parent may be able to step in and care for the child, which is what is best for the child.

To avoid conflict when unforeseen issues arise, it is important for parents to discuss potential situations and come up with a plan, in advance, which can then be part of their custody agreement. Taking the time to discuss potential challenges, such as work schedules, school activities, illnesses, and holidays, can help build an agreement that accommodates both parents while prioritizing the child’s stability. A well-structured yet adaptable plan can prevent the need for frequent legal disputes in the future.

How can parents support their child’s emotional needs and sense of security while navigating a shared custody arrangement?

It is important to manage the children’s expectations and for children to know what is going on and when. For example, children need to know where they are going after school, who is picking them up, and when are they going to the other parent’s home. One tool I find can be helpful for children is if both parents have the same calendar at each of their homes, which maps out the custody schedule. This allows children to visualize where they are going to be and when, while providing consistency between the two homes. It is also important to try to keep a consistent schedule and limit the transition between two homes.

Encourage the children’s relationship with the other parent. Create an open environment where the children feel safe talking to you about their lives, which includes the other parent. Children should never feel the need to keep secrets from the other parent. Their parents are the two people they should trust the most. If a child questions whether or not he/she is able to trust the other parent, this may, and likely will, have a significant impact on the child.

From your experience, what are “5 Essential Tips for Successfully Sharing Custody?” If possible, please share an example for each one.

1. Decide on how you will communicate with each other: Jointly decide what is the best way for you to communicate effectively. Some parents may decide that in person conversations allow you to focus on the issues at hand and address them. Others may decide communications are better if in writing. There are also coparenting programs which have messenger functions so you can have all of your communications in one centralized location.

2. Maintain a shared calendar: Changes in schedules routinely create conflict. Have a centralized/shared calendar. If there is a change to the schedule, an activity, appointment, etc., update the calendar. Take it a step further and send the other parent a message with the update. Also, create an expectation for both parties to regularly check the calendar to make sure each is informed.

2. Respect the other Parent: Remember that your job as parents is to raise your children and prepare them for the future. When both parents are focused on this goal, children thrive. When parents are at odds, the children suffer. While you may not always get along, it is important for the children to see their parents respect each other.

3. Maintain consistency and stability: Children thrive on predictability. Limit uncertainty for children as this creates stress and anxiety which will carry over to all aspects of their lives. If possible, develop consistent routines in each household. For example, create a bedtime routine for the children to follow at both homes.

4. Seek professional Support When Needed: There is no shame in seeking guidance from a family therapist, an individual therapist, a coparenting professional, a mediator, etc. to navigate coparenting conflicts. These individuals can provide you with tools to improve your relationship with the other parent and your relationships with your children.

5. It is all about the children: In every situation, the first thought should be, “what is best for our children”. Do not punish the children because of the other parent’s actions. For example, if your custody agreement requires a parent to notify the other parent a week in advance of plans to travel with the children, and the other parent notifies you two days before a planned trip to visit family at the beach, focus on what is best for the children. Yes, the other parent did not notify you as required in the custody agreement, but that does not mean the children should lose out on spending time with family at the beach.

None of us are able to achieve success without some help along the way. Who has been the inspiration or model for you? Can you share a story about that?

My greatest inspiration comes from the clients I serve and the young people I mentor. Every day, I work with people facing some of the most challenging times in their lives — whether it’s a parent fighting for custody, a survivor seeking protection, or a person navigating the emotional complexities of divorce. Their resilience, strength, and determination inspire me to be a better advocate. I have seen clients change before my very eyes and become strong, assertive, and confident. I have seen parents transform their coparenting relationship from high conflict to cooperative teamwork, all for the sake of their children. Witnessing this growth and commitment to their children and themselves reminds me why I do this work.

We are very blessed that some of the biggest names in Business, VC funding, Sports, and Entertainment read this column. Is there a person in the world, or in the US with whom you would love to have a private breakfast or lunch with, and why?

Hoda Kotb- She radiates love, compassion, joy, and peace. She is a brilliant journalist, orator, interviewer, author, among many other things. She has faced difficult times in her life and persevered with grace.

How can our readers follow your work online?

Our website is https://www.oldtownlawyers.com/.

Thank you so much for joining us. This was very inspirational.