Lena Winslow On How to Raise Children Who Feel Loved and Connected

Parenting is challenging. We all try so hard to give our all to our children. We desperately want them to feel loved and connected. But somehow there is often a disconnect. Perhaps it’s a generational thing, or that we don’t seem to speak the same language as our children, or just all of the “disconnection” that our kids are dealing with in today’s frenetic world. What are steps that parents can take to help their children feel loved and connected? As a part of our series about “How to Raise Children Who Feel Loved and Connected” we had the pleasure to interview Lena Winslow.

Lena Winslow is the mother of 3 children, including a 16-year-old diagnosed with autism, and has been married to her rocket scientist with an enormous heart for 23 years.

A world traveler and cancer survivor with a foundation of 18 years in health care and 10 years in home education, as well as countless hours of community service and advocacy, Lena is a Health Coach certified by the National Board for Health & Wellness Coaching, a motivational speaker, and an international best-selling author who considers herself a whole-person scientist and connector of the dots.

Using those superpowers and her obsession with emotional fitness, she bridges the crispness of logic with the comfort of compassion and faith to fuel endless curiosity for herself, her clients, and her children. You can connect with Lena on her website at www.LenaWinslow.com

Thank you so much for joining us! Before we dive in, our readers would love to get to know a bit about you. Can you tell us your “childhood backstory”?

I grew up behind the Iron Curtain during the Cold War. At school, we practiced nuclear strike drills. I was 7 years old when the Chernobyl nuclear accident happened just 70 miles from my home and plunged the city into chaos. I watched fire trucks spray water on the streets and buildings to prevent damage from the radiation flying through the air. My first childhood loss was our family dog Dana, a Scottish setter who had to go live in the country because she carried too much radioactivity into our 130-square-foot third-floor apartment. I took ballet classes, recited poetry, and loved reading fairy tales, mysteries, and adventure series. I found comfort and safety in logic and science.

I was 12 when the Soviet Union collapsed. We became residents of independent Ukraine overnight. My parents scrambled to keep our family afloat during major shifts in the economy and government. Both of my parents had highly demanding careers that paid very little and required a lot of work hours. This was also the time I started developing white pigmentation areas on my skin: vitiligo. I looked like a Dalmatian! The vitiligo forced me to accept that I was never going to look like anyone else. I gave up comparing myself to others; instead, I decided that anyone who didn’t look like a Dalmatian was automatically better than I was.

My childhood taught me to be self-sufficient and independent. I learned how to swim in a lake on our visits to a forest home outside the city, where I spent summers with my younger sister and our grandmother. I loved picking berries and mushrooms and spent a lot of time in nature. I felt alone navigating my childhood, but I learned self-reliance and quick decision-making. I am grateful for all my experiences because they gave me a foundation of perseverance, resiliency, and resourcefulness.

At the age of 15, I came to the United States as an exchange student. Without knowing the language, I successfully negotiated with the high school principal to allow me to stay on track so that I could graduate at 16 years old, on the same timeline as my classmates in Ukraine. That was the year my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer and was sponsored by a hospital in the United States for treatment, and I entered college to study Radiation Sciences.

Can you share the story about what brought you to this specific point in your career?

The chaos resulting from the Chernobyl nuclear meltdown shaped me at a young age and ultimately destroyed my mother. I believed that if something invisible could be so vast and cause such devastation, the opposite must also exist: something invisible could bring order and relief. For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. I dedicated my life to traditional medicine, as my mother had. I began with the goal of learning all I could about this invisible nuclear power. I followed all the rules, only to be left hanging when my daughter was diagnosed with autism, like my mother in the chaos, with unanswered questions on every side. Combining integrative and conventional medicine, I turned the course of autism for my child and pushed the reset button on my own cancer diagnosis. Now I teach other overthinkers like me how to be at home in both conventional and integrative medicine, without having to pick a side.

Ok, thank you for that. Let’s now jump to the core of our discussion. This is probably intuitive to many, but it would be beneficial to spell it out. Based on your experience or research, can you explain to us why it is so important to forge a strong connection with our children?

A strong connection benefits both parents and children. Carefully observing and connecting with our children gives us opportunities to see our own points of growth. Children learn how to speak, walk, and react from watching us. These amazing beings closely observe us and mimic our strengths and weaknesses from the first time they lay eyes on us. Children see us as the ultimate authority, especially in their early years. We model what it’s like to process emotion and to learn and discover more certainty every day. A strong connection with our children allows us to build on our strengths and become aware of opportunities for growth that we might not discover otherwise. When we use that strong connection without assigning judgment, we all grow, and with that, we change the patterns for future generations.

What happens when children do not have that connection, or only have a weak connection?

When there is a lack of connectedness, we lose our collective starting point from which to grow, essentially creating more personal work that will need to be done for ourselves and our children. A shallow connection makes both parents and children feel more uncertain and emotionally vulnerable; feelings of abandonment arise, and progress becomes slower. I believe it’s never too late to address this if it is done from a deeply sincere and honest place of non-judgment for ourselves and our children.

Do you think children in this generation are less likely to feel loved and connected? Why do you feel the way you do?

Absolutely not. Children in any generation are wired to give and receive love: feeling connected is one of the main ways we feel loved. The world has never been as informationally connected as it is today. Our challenge comes in the form of distraction and a natural tendency to move down the path of least resistance. Emotional resilience and connection take time to strengthen, and today we have so many fast-paced entertainment options vying for our attention.

Here is a story to show just how important it is to notice and address the distraction in our environment so we can focus on core skills and values.

Our 16-year-old daughter Katherine has a diagnosis of autism. When she was 9 months old, we realized her development did not follow a predictable path. This is how Linda came to help our family. Linda was an occupational therapist that made home visits and worked with children under the age of 3. When she first came, she said, “What a bright space you have in your living room!” The room had two skylight windows in addition to regular windows, providing a never-ending change in light patterns across the toys scattered all over the floor. Our little girl was learning colors and working on hand grasp and eye coordination with sorting cubes and building block towers.

“As beautiful as this room is,” Linda said, “there is so much stimulation here. Do you have a small camping tent we could set up and do our work inside, only taking in the items we are working with?”

By the next session, we had our tiny tent set up, and it remained with us for years.

Little Katherine and I would climb into that tent long after we aged out from Linda’s services. I would put on bright red lipstick and talk to my girl to teach her how to speak. We worked on essential life skills while shutting out all other distractions. She needed that focused attention during that time.

Parenting doesn’t come with a user manual. It’s about guiding children and being open to reaching out for help when needed, like the guidance Linda gave me. Children are not less likely to feel loved and connected today, but our current environment does offer challenges. The impact may not be as apparent with a typically developing child, but we all can benefit from setting healthy boundaries around our time and attention.

We live in a world with incessant demands for our time and attention. There is so much distraction and disconnection. Can you share with our readers 5 steps that parents can take to help their children feel loved and connected? Please include examples or stories for each, if you can.

1. Trust you are perfectly matched to be their parent and they to be your child. Trust their strengths before those strengths fully emerge and become obvious to everyone else. Trust yourself to be the least uncertain one in the parent-child relationship.

It was a sunny afternoon, and my pre-teen was playing frisbee with a bunch of boys. As in most frisbee games near trees, eventually one got stuck in a tree. This wasn’t a super tall tree, but it was tall enough to cause my heart to skip a beat when I saw my son scale the trunk. All eyes on the ground turned to me to see what I would do.

The obvious and automatic response would be, “Nope, get down, too high.” I took a breath and remembered how he, before he could walk, had balanced on a pile of toys to get the one he wanted; I remembered all the training in martial arts over the years; I remembered him as a 3-year-old waving Dad’s hand away so he could climb an icy steep driveway to a neighbor’s house. He was not a risk taker for the sake of risk; he knew he could do it, and he had succeeded all those previous times. I knew he had had strong balance and attention from the very start of his life. Under the watchful eye of everyone who didn’t know that, I said nothing and carefully positioned myself to where I could make eye contact with him at any point he looked down. And let’s be honest, I was ready to throw my body between him and the ground if he fell. As he climbed, I guided his steps when he looked to me for certainty. I chose to trust him.

I don’t know if he remembers this day as vividly as I do. I learned something important when he got that frisbee, when I saw his eyes lit up with true accomplishment after he faced something he wasn’t sure he could do but tried to do anyway and succeeded. I recognized that I never wanted to take away that drive to push past comfort zones, just to guarantee my primal desire to ensure “nothing bad ever happened to my children.” I knew that the most incredible growth and development happen on the edge of those comfort zones. I knew at that moment that protecting my children from everything would sell myself and the kids short on life.

2. Give weight to the sincerity in your praise. Build up your children on a solid foundation that is truly unique to them.

Did you know kids can tell when praise is unwarranted and shallow? Take a moment and think of a compliment someone gave you that you knew was insincere, unwarranted, or too general. Was that helpful to you? Participation trophy culture robs us of the opportunity to identify the true learnings and appreciate and celebrate the individual stepping stones to success and achievement.

Granted, parents will always have a certain bias in their praise of their children. After all, those are our babies: they will always be incredible in our eyes. This is where it becomes important to give careful thought to whom we invite into our children’s world. Look at their teachers, coaches, and mentors through this lens. Do they take the time to give specific and accurate praise to your child? Praise that is specific and thoughtful allows children to identify and embody the current stage they are in and move forward to the next stage with more confidence.

It is true that negative comments stick to us like Velcro and positive comments slide off like Teflon. What makes the praise stick and ultimately become a powerful tool that helps us grow is the level of specificity and sincerity with which that praise is given.

3. Emphasize progress more than achievement.

When my youngest was born, our life was bustling with activity. I was homeschooling both of my kids then. His sister was 6, his brother was 4, and the little guy never wanted to nap because he was afraid he would miss something. One morning the baby was in his baby seat by the window as we were getting ready to take a field trip. The big kids took turns jumping from the bed to the floor right in front of him. I watched as his look changed from curiosity to jealousy to frustration. He was watching this impressive achievement — his brother and sister jumping off the bed — while he was just figuring out how to use his hands to hold a toy.

Being focused on achievement alone can certainly give you motivation, but it can also produce frustration in striving and falling short and even anger in the process. Have you ever achieved a goal only to find yourself feeling flat and wondering why you’re not as thrilled as you think you should be? My little guy definitely learned how to jump off the bed eventually, but he was much happier when those big kids sweetly celebrated each incremental step he took to get there. They handed him toys; they clapped and smiled when he took his first steps; they helped him climb on and off the bed. Those tiny increments of progress are what make the journey fun, when we choose to notice and celebrate them.

4. Set healthy boundaries for your own health, environment, relationships, finances, and technology use through a clear value system; then show your children the process and allow them to individualize it for themselves.

Clarity is a superpower! Just before being diagnosed with cancer I remember my daily activities were a great big blur. Juggling schedules for 3 kiddos and a husband who traveled much of the time did not lend itself to much reflection on my daily activities. If I could fit it in, it was a “yes” from me. When I heard the voice on the phone telling me it was cancer my daily life was emptied of all the activities I used to do. It was like a drain plug was pulled from a bath tub and everything slowly drained out. With this, I got the opportunity to deeply evaluate every commitment I made when it was time to return after treatment was completed. My message here is that we don’t need to have a crisis of this proportion to make these changes. A deliberate intention to clarify your vision for the future followed by evaluation of your daily life can get you traction in this area. It might be helpful to engage some accountability in the beginning. It would be well worth your time and the benefits will serve both you and your children. Being able to know what is important to us and to make conscious choices to support those values is a tremendous gift.

5. Master the waltz: two reflections to one question.

When we speak with our children, there is a tendency to ask too many questions and then not listen deeply to their answers. Learning how to make a reflective statement and then being patient to listen is an art form.

A reflective statement is when you listen to what they just said, reflect what they said back to them (paraphrased in your own words), and add a guess of what they meant by that sentence on a deeper level. Here is a quick example:

”I don’t want to go to school.”

“You want to skip school today because that new video game update is coming out and you want to be the first to play it.”

You can see how this type of reflection lends itself to having a conversation about values and about what their action today could mean for that big dream they have.

The general cadence is two reflective statements to each question. This allows for a conversation, rather than an interrogation, to take place.

How do you define a “good parent”? Can you give an example or story?

If we believe parents and children are perfectly matched for each other, then good parents are simply ones who are open to all the lessons and growth, who acknowledge the interdependence in a family unit, and who operate with compassion for themselves and their children. Good parents accept unconditional responsibility for figuring out the next step while keeping their ego in check and maintaining an open mind to invite learning something new. Good parents live out their own purpose and by doing that, they show their children how fulfilling it is to live that way — living each day to the fullest, celebrating every step of the process.

How do you inspire your child to “dream big”? Can you give an example or story?

It’s not about “dreaming big”; it’s about “dreaming specific.” It’s just like the concept of giving very specific praise and encouragement to help them build on their success and grow forward bigger and faster. Childhood dreams are typically “big dreams” inherently. Big dreams can be overwhelming, and when we get overwhelmed, we get stuck in inaction. I see a need to encourage and inspire our children to dream their big dreams in specific detail. It is much easier to determine our next incremental step when we have a very specific guiding destination in mind, a “big dream” in detail that touches every area of our life.

For example, take the typical “I want to be an astronaut” dream. My process would be to ask my young child to get specific and start becoming that person who has that big dream. What kind of books do you think an astronaut was reading when they were your age? What time would they wake up in the morning? What kind of food would they eat, what kind of music would they listen to, how would they exercise, and what kind of friends would they have? Every one of these questions can be answered much easier today through the power of technology. In this way, your child is able to put the big dream into action now and live the steps it would take to achieve related goals, while finding joy in the process each day.

How would you define “success” when it comes to raising children?

Success as a parent is raising children who love to learn for the sake of learning, who make decisions and stand behind them, and who have the strength and confidence to get up more times than they fall down. A child who no longer needs a parent will always need a friend.

This is a huge topic in itself, but it would be worthwhile to touch upon it here. What are some ideal social media and digital habits that you think parents should teach to their children?

I think the operative word here is the digital habits we MODEL for our children. I would also add that IDEAL habits don’t exist, at least not ones that can be generalized. They are always individualized to the parent, the child, and the family as a whole. What is important to teach children is how to dream big dreams in specific detail and to evaluate how digital and social media habits fit into the step-by-step process of achieving those dreams. This is not about withstanding the avalanche of information and digital media coming in each moment of the day; this is about determining who is in control and choosing the media that serves us and our purpose for the future.

What are your favorite books, podcasts, or resources that inspire you to be a better parent? Can you explain why you like them?

My favorite information resources are the ones that inspire me as a parent to become a better human, that help me observe my own patterns and shift them if I wish.

Struggles often become the best teachers when you get to the other side. My biggest lesson recently was facing the same cancer diagnosis that took away my mother 25 years ago. Walking through that experience and returning to a university to study Integrative Health Coaching made me a better parent.

I search out authors and organizations that create resources for a purpose bigger than themselves through experiences they have lived, in addition to academic knowledge. “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care,” as Theodore Roosevelt said.

Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?

“And perhaps

what made her beautiful

was not her appearance

or what she achieved,

but in her love

and in her courage,

and her audacity

to believe:

no matter

the darkness

around her,

Light ran wild

within her,

and that was the way

she came alive,

and it showed up

in everything.”

~Morgan Harper Nichols

It’s been my experience that when you find that audacity to believe, that darkness — in the form of fear, comparisons, and insecurity — has no power over you, and that Light runs wild and makes you come alive to your own purpose, your children, your family and friends. That’s when you realize that you are exactly in the right place at the right time and your mere presence of how you show up in the world creates value for others.

You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. :-)

Parents today find themselves operating in isolation. Somehow we bought into this notion that we should be able to be all things to our children. Connection to extended family and a sense of community are missing for so many families. If I could inspire a movement, it would be to reconnect modern parents to the “village” that it takes to raise a child.

Thank you so much for these insights! This was so inspiring!