Ann McKitrick of Nurtured Noggins On How Extremely Busy Leaders Make Time To Be Great Parents

As a part of my series about “How extremely busy executives make time to be great parents” I had the pleasure to interview Ann McKitrick.

Ann McKitrick founded Nurtured Noggins, a comprehensive resource for parents and host of Parenting in the First 3 Years Podcast. A frequent conference speaker, she’s a parenting coach and early childhood specialist with 30 years of experience in higher education. Ann also provides online professional development for thousands of childcare professionals each year through her online business, Texas Child Care Training. Credentials include MS in Human Development and Family Studies; BS in Education; Master Level Trainer in a state Early Childhood Professional Development System, requiring continuing education; certified CIRCLE Trainer, Child Care Health Consultant, and Relationship Development Intervention Consultant. Ann resides near Houston, Texas, where she’s a happy empty-nester, Camp Gladiator enthusiast, Mom, and Mimi, and leads women’s personal growth groups.

Thank you so much for joining us! Can you tell us your “childhood backstory”?

When I was 7 years old my mother took her first job ever, becoming the first director of a child care program at our church. I spent my summers there, “helping” the teachers in the classrooms. I loved watching children and poring over files in the director’s office, reading how parents described their children and comparing this to what I observed. (This was before privacy laws were widespread!) I pursued a degree in Education and a graduate degree in Human Development and Family Studies, eventually teaching (at the same college) the very child development courses my mother had taken to prepare for her job. She and I shared a deep love and understanding of children and I’m honored to carry on her legacy.

Can you share the story about what brought you to this specific point in your career?

I’ve always worked with families ~ as a teacher and director of university-based child development programs that provide care for student families, as a children’s pastor, and as an adjunct professor in early childhood education. Ten years ago, I resigned from my position at the university to venture out on my own, creating online training for early childhood educators.

As a new entrepreneur, I learned many new skills — how to create a website, write and produce online courses, digital marketing, and how to successfully manage a business. After establishing my first business, Texas Child Care Training, my daughter and I founded Nurtured Noggins, a parent education blog which blossomed into a podcast called Parenting in the First 3 Years, parent coaching and online courses.

Can you tell us a bit more about what your day-to-day schedule looks like?

I begin my day early with coffee, prayer, reading and lots of thinking. I get my most creative ideas during this time. I work at home, hosting a podcast, coaching parents, creating educational content for teachers and parents and currently, developing my new MOMentum Group Coaching program for women. I wrap up each day with exercise, either a Camp Gladiator HIIT workout at the park or a hot yoga class.

Ok, thank you for that. Let’s now jump to the core of our discussion. This is probably intuitive to many, but it would be beneficial to spell it out. Based on your experience or research, can you flesh out why not spending time with your children can be detrimental to their development?

Often the early years are referred to as the “foundation” of a child’s emotional development, which brings to mind a physical base on which a life is built, like the foundation of a building.

A recent guest on my podcast shared an interesting perspective — that the early years are more like the “roots” of a person’s life, and I love this imagery. If you imagine the roots of a tree, they go as deep and wide as the tree, nourishing and providing what the tree needs to do its work in the world, which is very important. The roots of family, whomever that family is, continue to feed us and keep us healthy throughout life. We are fed by being with those we love and who love us.

Imagine a tree that’s planted in soil that isn’t nourishing, maybe it’s full of rocks, sand or even chemicals. The tree still grows but it’s not as strong, healthy and green. It still provides shade, but not as much. It still provides oxygen, but not as much.

So it is with a child whose root system is interrupted by different things. They’re simply not getting what they need to flourish. We want to create healthy roots for our children by giving them what they need, when they need it. In other words, not spending time with your children can be detrimental to their development because they’re not getting what they need: connection with the ones they love.

On the flip side, can you give a few reasons or examples about why it is so important to make time to spend with your children?

Time and again research indicates that parents’ time with children is important for developmental outcomes. Family type and parents’ time with children: Longitudinal evidence for Denmark — Peter Fallesen, Michael Gähler, 2020

From early childhood through adolescence, time together is positively associated with a child’s behavior, school grades and cognitive development. And of course there are many variables associated with this.

But I think if we just back up and think about it in the simple terms of a relationship. We all want to be known, seen, desired and accepted by those we love. So it is with our children. They need to be known, seen, accepted and feel desired. And we fill this need by spending time with them. We take note of what they love, we watch them dance and be silly, we accept their up and down emotions and invite them to be with us. Children change with every developmental stage and watching them become the person they’re born to become is fun!

According to this study cited in the Washington Post, the quality of time spent with children is more important than the quantity of time. Can you give a few stories or examples from your own life about what you do to spend quality time with your children?

Over the years, our go-to summer vacation was a week at a cabin in the hill country of Texas, floating on the river and swimming all day. One year I had a conference at a Disney resort and my husband and the kids joined me for a vacation for a few days of going to the parks. Of course Disney is fun! It’s also full of long lines, acres of concrete, schedules, show times, dinner reservations and crowds. The comparison of the two was insightful. Our kids preferred the river.

Fred Rogers describes time well spent with children as being slow and deep. The river floats were slow and deep, literally and figuratively. Conversations in the long intervals between rapids, watching dragonflies land on your knee and marveling at their colors, stopping on the bank to eat your sandwich lunch, stopping to swim when you’re hot, chatting with other floaters and then spending evenings watching the kids play from a folding chair.

Ending the day with ‘slow and deep’ is what we all need. A good watering of the roots. Sitting next to each other as you watch a tv show. Talking about what was good and what was challenging today. A story and back tickle at bedtime. And then resting up to do it again, knowing you’ll meet at the end of the day tomorrow.

We all live in a world with many deadlines and incessant demands for our time and attention. That inevitably makes us feel rushed and we may feel that we can’t spare the time to be “fully present” with our children. Can you share with our readers 5 strategies about how we can create more space in our lives in order to give our children more quality attention? Please include examples or stories for each, if you can.

Be intentional about your daily schedule. Children thrive best when they eat and go to bed at the same time each day. Routines provide a sense of security and well being. Honor this need as much as possible. And… hold the schedule loosely! I find that sometimes parents are so rigid with schedules that they won’t do anything, which can leave you feeling resentful. It’s okay if the kids eat in the car and get to bed an hour late because you want to go to the gym on Wednesday nights for pilates. Every night? Probably not a good idea.

Silence and turn off notifications on your phone. You can’t be fully present while checking your phone. Check messages and respond to them once the kids are in bed. Unless you’re on call, it likely can wait.

Have a Sunday Summit. Take 15 minutes either alone or with your partner to celebrate the good things that happened last week, reflect on what didn’t go so well and plan the upcoming week — events, appointments, school activities, work related stuff, house stuff. Divvy out who will do what, sync calendars and if your kids are readers, post a weekly schedule on the refrigerator. Extra credit if you plan dinners for the week and do some meal prep in advance.

Nourish yourself so you parent from a place of health not scarcity. In addition to the basics of a healthy diet, adequate rest and exercise, nourishing yourself includes intimate connections, spending time with a friend and doing what feeds your soul. For me that looks like reading, cooking dinner with a glass of wine and good music and trying to keep up with the NYT daily crossword.

Follow your gut when it comes to doing all the things — you don’t have to attend every birthday party, community event or even every family gathering. If it’s life giving, do it. If you or your child needs to stay in and cozy up with books, board games and pizza do that. It’s okay to say “Thank you but we won’t be able to make it”.

How do you define a “good parent”? Can you give an example or story?

A good parent is one that respects a child as someone with feelings, thoughts and ideas that are different and important. Treat them as you would an adult in terms of consideration. Ask yourself “Would you respond to an adult like that (as you respond to your child)?”

This answer actually comes from my husband. He says he learned this from me.

I remember one time in the car, one of the kids in a car seat was just scream crying. My husband was driving and about to blow a gasket from the screaming! I was in the passenger seat, trying to help but nothing worked. I said to my daughter, “How can I help you? What do you need?” He was taken aback that my response was not to yell at her to stop crying, which is what he would have experienced as a child and was his inclination. I had learned from my mom to look beyond and try to figure out what a child is feeling, thinking and needing.

How do you inspire your child to “dream big”? Can you give an example or story?

I think an important thing we can do is listen. Their “dreams” look different at different ages. My grandson just turned six years old and he dreams of being a superhero. That’s just as important as a 12 year-old’s dream of being a professional soccer player or an 18 year-olds dream of being a doctor. On a recent visit he was talking a lot about how he wanted an Invisibility Cloak. It was one of those things that he just kept talking about and asking for but we really didn’t know what he was talking about.

I sat on the couch with him and asked questions. “What does an invisibility cloak do?” “What happens when you put it on?” “Why do you want to be invisible?” Hearing what he was imagining, that he would be able to sneak around unseen and be like a superhero, helped me understand. So we turned to Amazon and searched. Nothing we found met what he had in his mind. “What does the invisibility cloak look like?” What he described was a black bodysuit with a hood. And guess what? We found just what he had in mind! It took about 20 minutes to talk this through, asking questions, listening to his answers and moving forward. My daughter told me he was so excited when the package arrived. He put it on, went into superhero mode and said, “This is the best day of my life!”

So I think inspiring a child to dream big looks like listening to what they say and keeping your opinions and advice to yourself. Let them imagine themselves doing anything. And help provide a way to make it happen if you can.

How do you, a person who masterfully straddles the worlds of career and family, define “success”?

I define success in many ways, but in terms of straddling career and family, I feel it’s defined as balance and contentment in both places. Being able to fully engage with purposeful work while maintaining healthy, deep connections with those you love. Of course this looks different as we go through stages of both career and parenting, but maintaining a firm commitment to family will generally create the balance that children need from their parents.

What are your favorite books, podcasts, or resources that inspire you to be a better parent? Can you explain why you like them?

As a young parent I loved parenting books written by Penelope Leach and Dr. Alice Honig. I also rely on the Bible for parenting wisdom. I’m currently enjoying Dr. Dan Seigel’s work and recommending his books to parents that I coach, especially The Power of Showing Up: How Parental Presence Shapes Who Our Kids Become and How Their Brains Get Wired, written with Dr. Tina Payne Bryson.

Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?

“Keep that sense of humor. It’s critical.”

A quote from an old movie, Mr Mom, that my husband and I have said to each other from the time our kids were really small through the challenging adolescent years, and even now. It’s relevant because the underlying message is to unclench your jaw and not be so caught up in the tension of the moment that you lose sight of what’s important. And that is to express love to your kid with a smile and shrug that says, “we’ll get through this together, don’t fret.” Even when it feels like you might not.

Thank you so much for these insights! This was so inspiring!