Dr Lauren Josephs of Visionary Vanguard Group On How to Raise Children Who Feel Loved and Connected

Parenting is challenging. We all try so hard to give our all to our children. We desperately want them to feel loved and connected. But somehow there is often a disconnect. Perhaps it’s a generational thing, or that we don’t seem to speak the same language as our children, or just all of the “disconnection” that our kids are dealing with in today’s frenetic world. What are steps that parents can take to help their children feel loved and connected? As a part of our series about “How to Raise Children Who Feel Loved and Connected” we had the pleasure to interview Dr. Lauren Josephs.

Dr. Lauren Josephs is a Social/Behavioral Scientist and CEO of Visionary Vanguard Group, Inc.- a consulting firm focused on eliminating disparities and achieving equitable health outcomes through research, evaluation, and training. She has been a licensed psychotherapist for over 20 years, with expertise in women and children’s mental health. Dr. Josephs earned a PhD in Public Affairs from the University of Central Florida and Masters/Specialist degrees in Mental Health Counseling from the University of Florida. She also serves on the board of Embrace Families, the lead nonprofit agency overseeing child welfare in Orange, Osceola and Seminole counties in Central Florida.

Thank you so much for joining us! Before we dive in, our readers would love to get to know a bit about you. Can you tell us your “childhood backstory”?

I was born, and spent my formative years, in Jamaica, in a blended family of 7 children. My childhood was simple and idyllic in some senses. I played a lot outside — games like hopscotch, jump rope and a Jamaican game called Dandy Shandy which is like dodge ball. I climbed and sat in trees eating fruits. As I reflect on it now, I have a warm feeling in my chest. I really didn’t have a lot to worry about. As a child I was somewhat shy and was an avid reader. Reading is still one of my favorite things to do. Education was stressed in my household. I am laughing now because I learned early that I could use the fact that I was reading to get out of chores. It became my secret strategy, but it helped me academically in the long run. At 10 years old, I started high school (in Jamaica high school starts in the 7th grade) — a boarding school for girls, a few hours away from home. The school was selected, largely at the urging of my father, because of its excellent history in preparing scholars. Acceptance depended on passing a rigorous academic examination. To this day, decades later, my mother feels that going away to boarding school must have been traumatic for me. However, while there certainly was a period of adjustment, I can honestly say it was a wonderful experience that helped to shape the person I am today. When I was 13 my family migrated to the United States. I graduated from a high school in New York and later moved to Florida to attend the University of Florida — and I never left.

Can you share the story about what brought you to this specific point in your career?

After completing my graduate degree in Mental Health counseling, I worked as a licensed psychotherapist for youth who were involved in the juvenile justice system. This was simultaneously one of the most challenging, rewarding and personally impactful positions I have held. I was required to make home visits and provide in-home counseling, and the insights into people’s lives had a profound impact on me. Many of the youth I served were living in poverty, some had poor academic performance or numerous disciplinary referrals in school, there was a high rate of chronic illnesses, and others did not have stable housing. But I also had clients who came from financially wealthy families — and despite all the safety nets money could afford, I saw a family history of trauma there, too.

Wanting to gain a better understanding of the cross-system challenges that disproportionately impacted some segments of our community prompted me to earn a doctoral degree. My PhD in Public Affairs is multidisciplinary in nature and equips me with the skills necessary to conduct research and evaluation at an elevated level as well as to facilitate the process of identifying innovative solutions to complex social problems. My work now focuses on providing consulting services to corporations and governmental entities. The core services provided are research, evaluation, training & technical assistance. I work collaboratively to address health and healthcare disparities, gender inequities, childhood trauma, as well as other issues impacting minority and under-resourced communities. All the work that I do is informed by the foundation I gained in the field of mental and behavioral health.

Ok, thank you for that. Let’s now jump to the core of our discussion. This is probably intuitive to many, but it would be beneficial to spell it out. Based on your experience or research, can you explain to us why it is so important to forge a strong connection with our children?

Forging strong connections with our children is vital for a variety of reasons. First, and foremost, it plays a crucial role in supporting their emotional well-being. By creating a strong emotional connection, children feel loved, understood, and supported, which fosters a sense of emotional security. This becomes the foundation for their self-esteem, resilience, and ability to form healthy relationships later in life. Strong parent-child connections also serve as building blocks for various aspects of a child’s development. It facilitates trust and open communication, enabling children to share their thoughts, feelings, and concerns with their parents. This communication, in turn, builds trust and allows parents to guide their children through challenges, make informed decisions, and provide the necessary support. Strong connections also contribute to cognitive and behavioral development by stimulating a child’s intellectual abilities, language skills, and problem-solving capabilities. Engaged parents can provide learning opportunities and foster a positive learning environment.

A strong parent-child connection is also linked to academic success. When parents actively engage in their child’s education, show interest in their learning, and provide support, children are more motivated, focused, and likely to succeed academically. These connections aid in emotional regulation which is vital to helping children learn how to manage their emotions appropriately and effectively.

I could go on, but I will end with this: strong connections between parents and children promote positive interactions and shared experiences. Laughter, play, and joyful moments create lasting memories and deepen the bond between parent and child. Positive interactions strengthen the parent-child relationship, making it easier to navigate challenging situations when they arise. Building and nurturing strong connections requires time, attention, and genuine care, but the long-term benefits for both parents and children cannot be understated.

What happens when children do not have that connection, or only have a weak connection?

Emotionally, children who lack a strong connection with their parents may experience feelings of insecurity, loneliness, and low self-esteem. Without the love, validation, and support from their parents, children may internalize feelings of being unworthy or unlovable. This can have a lasting impact on their self-image, confidence, and overall social-emotional well-being. Behavioral issues such as such as aggression, defiance, or withdrawal can also arise, and children may also have difficulties with empathy, communication, and social skills. This can result in social isolation, hinder their social and emotional growth, and impede the formation of healthy relationships.

The impact of a weak parent-child connection also extends to mental health. Children may be more vulnerable to developing mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, and prolonged stress due to the lack of emotional support and understanding. The absence of a strong connection can make it more challenging for children to cope with life’s challenges and negatively impact their overall well-being.

Attachment issues can also arise when the parent-child connection is weak or absent. These issues can affect the child’s ability to form secure attachments throughout their lives, making it more difficult for them to trust and form healthy connections with others. This can have long-term implications for their relationships and overall well-being.

Recognizing the importance of a strong parent-child connection is crucial for promoting healthy development and well-being in children. Taking proactive steps to repair and strengthen the relationship is essential.

Do you think children in this generation are less likely to feel loved and connected? Why do you feel the way you do?

It is challenging to make a definitive statement about that as experience of love and connection varies widely and is influenced by various factors such as cultural, societal, and familial dynamics. However, there are some factors that I feel contribute to the perception that children in this generation are facing challenges in feeling loved and connected. With busy schedules, increased reliance on technology, and fragmented family dynamics due to factors, like divorce, there is a greater need to be intentional about ensuring that our children feel connected to us. We must work to ensure that instant electronic means of communication does not replace real, in-person conversation and connection. Excessive screen time and social media can sometimes lead to decreased face-to-face interactions and potentially impact interpersonal relationships.

Ultimately, the extent to which children in this generation feel loved and connected will depend on various individual, familial, and societal factors. It is crucial that we are all mindful of the importance of nurturing these connections and that we prioritize creating environments that foster love, understanding, and emotional support for children.

We live in a world with incessant demands for our time and attention. There is so much distraction and disconnection. Can you share with our readers 5 steps that parents can take to help their children feel loved and connected? Please include examples or stories for each, if you can.

Certainly! The five steps I would recommend include:

Prioritizing Quality Time: Set aside dedicated, uninterrupted time to spend with your child on a regular basis. Engage in activities that promote bonding and connection, such as going for walks, playing games, cooking together, or having regular family meals. For example, a parent might establish a weekly “special date” with their child where they take turns planning an activity or outing that they can enjoy together. If you have more than one child, plan group activities, but also set aside time to spend with each child individually. Those individual dates should center around the unique interest of each child.

Active Listening: Practice active listening when your child wants to share something with you. Give them your full attention, maintain eye contact, and show genuine interest in what they have to say. Reflect on what they’ve shared and ask follow-up questions to deepen the conversation and show that you value their thoughts and feelings. An example might be when you get home from work and your child rushes to tell you about their day. If this makes you feel overwhelmed, and you respond harshly, it may interfere with future opportunities to communicate. To address the child’s needs, as well as your own, you could establish a rule that you will connect to hear about their day 30 minutes after you get home. This will provide you with some much-needed time when you get through the door (to take a shower, have a moment to yourself, or do whatever you need to do to get in the correct frame of mind). This will also create a space and time to engage in a meaningful conversation. During these daily meetups, it is important to listen to both the spoken and unspoken (pay attention to your child’s body language) and use open ended questions to allow for deeper and more expansive dialogue.

Expressing Affection: Demonstrate love and affection towards your child through both words and actions. Regularly express your love, praise their accomplishments, and offer encouragement. Physical gestures, (e.g., hugs) which are appropriate to your culture, should convey love and connection. For instance, a parent might make it a habit to give their child a goodnight hug and tell them they love them before bedtime.

Creating Rituals and Traditions: Establishing family rituals and traditions helps create a sense of belonging and fosters connection. These can be simple activities such as a weekly movie night, a monthly family outing, or annual holiday traditions. By consistently engaging in these rituals, children feel a sense of anticipation, security, and togetherness. For example, a family might have a special Sunday breakfast tradition where everyone gathers to prepare and enjoy a meal together.

Being a Positive Role Model: Children learn about love and connection by observing their parents’ behavior. Model healthy and loving relationships in your own interactions with family members, friends, and partners. Show respect, empathy, and effective communication skills. The “do as I say, and not as I do” philosophy utilized by some is not effective in the long term. By being a positive role model, you provide your child with a blueprint for nurturing connections in their own lives. This ongoing practice will provide a front row seat to how parents deal with the joys and challenges of life. Examples could be openly expressing love and appreciation for your partner in front of your child, demonstrating the importance of love and affection in relationships as well as problem solving when facing difficulties.

Every family is unique, so cultural adaptations may be necessary. The key is to be consistent, genuine, and attentive to your child’s emotional needs, ensuring they feel valued, loved, and connected in a world filled with distractions.

How do you define a “good parent”? Can you give an example or story?

Wow. “Good” is a complex and subjective adjective, and depends on a variety of factors influenced by cultural, societal, and individual perspectives. However, I feel there are a few elements that are essential.

A good parent consistently shows unconditional love and support for their child, accepting them for who they are and providing emotional encouragement. This means being there for their child in both good times and challenging moments, offering guidance and reassurance. It may also include separating the behavior from the child, particularly when our children engage in activities or demonstrate behaviors that are not pleasing to us. So, if a child does something “bad” we refer to their choice or actions as “bad” and not the child as bad, if that makes sense.

Another critical element of good parenting is active involvement: Actively engaging in a child’s life and showing genuine interest in their activities, hobbies, and achievements has several benefits. It strengthens the parent-child bond, enhances communication, increases understanding of the child’s needs, talents, and challenges, boosts the child’s self-esteem, creates a supportive environment, facilitates shared experiences and memories, and promotes the child’s overall development and emotional well-being. Actively involved parents build stronger relationships with their children, fostering a sense of trust, support, and belonging. It also allows parents to provide targeted guidance and encouragement, helping their child flourish and thrive. Setting appropriate boundaries, prioritizing open and effective communication, and supporting ongoing learning are also crucial elements of good parenting.

Parenting is a deeply personal journey, and there is no perfect path or process, and no perfect parent. The hope is that we can recognize the mistakes we make along the way and course correct.

How do you inspire your child to “dream big”? Can you give an example or story?

Inspiring a child to “dream big” involves fostering their imagination, cultivating their passions, and instilling confidence in their abilities. The definition of ‘big’ will vary by child and family. My son for instance has special needs (he is neurodivergent) and so I am careful not to compare his accomplishments with that of others, and especially neurotypical children. Instead, I work hard to meet him where he is and support his gains from that point. It is important as parents that we ensure that we nurture our children’s unique interests and perspectives instead of insisting they follow in our footsteps or force them to take the path we have decided is appropriate. Here’s an example of how a parent can encourage their child to dream big:

Let’s say a child shows a keen interest in science and space exploration. The parent can take several steps to nurture their child’s dreams and aspirations:

Expose them to Inspiring Role Models: Introduce the child to stories, books, documentaries, and interviews about scientists, astronauts, and visionaries who have made significant contributions in the field of space exploration. Sharing the stories of individuals who have achieved great things can inspire the child and show them what is possible with dedication and hard work.

Provide Educational Resources and Experiences: Offer the child age-appropriate educational resources such as books, documentaries, and interactive websites that provide insights into space science and exploration. Additionally, seek out opportunities for them to participate in science camps, visits to observatories, or attend lectures and workshops related to space exploration. These experiences can deepen their knowledge and passion for the subject.

Encourage Curiosity and Exploration: Foster the child’s natural curiosity by engaging in discussions about space, encouraging them to ask questions, and exploring the answers together. Support their exploration of different scientific concepts through experiments, projects, and hands-on activities. For example, the parent can help the child build a model of the solar system or conduct simple experiments related to space phenomena.

Supportive Environment: Create an environment where the child feels safe to dream big and express their aspirations. Encourage them to share their dreams, ideas, and goals without judgment or limitations. Provide emotional support, validate their interests, and show genuine excitement for their dreams. Help them develop a growth mindset, emphasizing that setbacks and failures are part of the learning process and should not deter them from pursuing their dreams.

Set Goals and Create Action Plans: Help the child set realistic and achievable goals that align with their dreams. Break down these goals into smaller steps and encourage the child to create action plans to work towards them. For example, if the child dreams of becoming an astronaut, they can set goals such as excelling in science and math, joining a robotics club, or participating in space-related competitions.

By providing inspiration, resources, support, and a nurturing environment, parents can encourage their child to dream big and pursue their passions. The key is to show genuine interest, foster their curiosity, and empower them to believe in their abilities, ultimately helping them reach for the stars in their chosen endeavors.

How would you define “success” when it comes to raising children?

Defining “success” when it comes to raising children is a subjective and deeply personal matter. From my perspective, success in raising children includes nurturing their emotional well-being, instilling in them strong values including integrity and a strong moral compass, equipping them with the skills, knowledge, and confidence to become independent individuals, and cultivating a curiosity-driven mindset. Success also includes being able to support their interests and pursuits in diverse areas such as academics, arts, sports, and hobbies, allowing them to develop a well-rounded and fulfilling life.

All of this is a dynamic and evolving process. Each child is unique, and success should be viewed in the context of their individual strengths, needs, and aspirations. Ultimately, success in raising children is about providing a loving, supportive environment that fosters their growth, well-being, and fulfillment, helping them become happy, confident, and capable individuals. My definition of success may be different than my husband’s definition, so there’s a balance at play there are well. The key is that we get on — and stay on — the same page so our son will know we present a united front. It’s a tall order and can sometimes be overwhelming when we think about the undertaking so I take it one day at a time, one year at a time, one developmental phase at a time and do the best I can.

This is a huge topic in itself, but it would be worthwhile to touch upon it here. What are some ideal social media and digital habits that you think parents should teach to their children?

All children being born today are “digital natives.” They don’t know, and can’t imagine, a world before social media, Google and smart phones. As a result, teaching children healthy and responsible digital habits is vital. The first priority should be to ensure digital literacy. This includes teaching our children how to navigate online platforms safely, evaluate the credibility of online information, and recognize and respond to potential risks such as cyberbullying, scams, and inappropriate content. We also should teach our children about the importance of safeguarding their personal information and privacy online and encourage them to think before posting or sharing content as what is shared online can have negative impacts on them, even years down the line.

Another key area of focus to consider is healthy screen time management. As parents we may need to set boundaries that our children don’t like, such as time limits of use, or we may need to collect phones at bedtime.

Digital Citizenship and Kindness are also important. It is our responsibility to teach children the importance of being respectful, kind, and considerate in online interactions, the impact of their words and actions online, and the importance of treating others with empathy and respect. Encourage them to report cyberbullying to trusted adults and support others in creating a positive online environment.

Finally, as parents we must maintain open lines of communication with our children regarding their digital activities and create an environment where they feel comfortable discussing their online experiences, concerns, and questions. In addition, we should routinely check in on their online presence and use parental controls and monitoring tools when necessary to ensure their online safety.

Remember that these habits should be taught gradually and adapted to suit the child’s age and maturity level. The goal is to empower children to navigate the digital world responsibly, safely, and with mindfulness, so they can make informed decisions, protect their well-being, and maintain healthy relationships both online and offline.

What are your favorite books, podcasts, or resources that inspire you to be a better parent? Can you explain why you like them?

As I mentioned earlier, I love to read. Here are some books that I have found helpful:

“The Whole-Brain Child” by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson: This book explores how brain development influences children’s behavior and provides practical strategies for fostering emotional intelligence, resilience, and healthy relationships. I like it because the book is written in a casual and familiar manner and the concepts are simple to grasp for most.

“Parenting from the Inside Out” by Daniel J. Siegel and Mary Hartzell: This book delves into the emotional lives of parents and how their own experiences shape their parenting style. I like it because it provides opportunities for self-reflection and offers insights on understanding ourselves and building secure parent-child relationships.

“How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk” by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish: This is a classic book which provides strategies to improve parent-child interactions, resolve conflicts, and foster cooperation and mutual understanding.

These resources can inspire parents, offer valuable insights, and provide practical strategies for navigating the challenges and joys of parenting. However, it’s essential to remember that every child and family is unique, so it’s important to find the resources that align with your values and suit your specific circumstances.

Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?

I love and collect inspirational quotes. One of them is “life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it.” I’m not sure where they got that equation or even if the proportion is correct, but I love it because it emphasizes the importance of our attitudes and responses to the challenges and circumstances we encounter in life. It suggests that while we may not always have control over what happens to us, we have control over how we choose to react to those experiences. While what happens to us is sometimes out of our control, this quote reminds us that our reactions, mindset, and resilience play a significant role in shaping our overall well-being and success. It encourages us to approach life with a positive and proactive mindset, focusing on finding solutions, learning from setbacks, and embracing personal growth.

Consciously choosing to maintain a positive outlook in the face of adversity and taking responsibility for our actions and responses is not always easy, and our egos or emotions sometimes get in the way. What I know for sure, is that by internalizing this quote’s message, I cultivate a mindset that empowers me to navigate life’s ups and downs with greater resilience, adaptability, and a sense of personal agency. Choosing how I react, and choosing to find gratitude are practices that I continue to hone every day.

You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. :-)

If I could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, it would be a movement focused on promoting empathy and compassion. The world would benefit greatly from a collective effort to understand, connect with, and support one another on a deeper level. This would be especially true for those we perceive to be different from ourselves — different races, different ethnicities, different countries of origin and different languages.

The movement would encourage individuals to cultivate empathy by actively seeking to understand the experiences, perspectives, and emotions of others. It would promote open-mindedness, active listening, and genuine curiosity about diverse cultures, backgrounds, and beliefs. By fostering empathy, we can bridge divides, reduce conflicts, and build stronger, more inclusive communities. Compassion would be at the core of this movement, inspiring people to extend kindness, care, and support to those in need. It would encourage acts of service, volunteerism, and giving back to society.

This movement could manifest in various ways, such as educational initiatives that promote empathy and compassion in schools, community-based programs that encourage acts of kindness and service, and online platforms that facilitate connections and conversations among diverse individuals.

By fostering empathy and compassion, we can create a world where people feel seen, heard, and valued. It has the potential to improve relationships, enhance mental well-being, foster social cohesion, and inspire positive change on both individual and societal levels. Together, we can create a ripple effect of kindness and understanding that reaches far and wide, making the world a better place for everyone.

Thank you so much for these insights! This was so inspiring!