Nova Johnstone: Why Dating A Widower Exposes The Hidden Fault Lines Of Unresolved Grief

I hesitated for a long time when it came to writing this due to the risk of offending anyone and then in my daily learning I realized this:

“When you are brave you always run the risk of offending someone”

There’s so little advice, literature, and positive support out there for the new person coming into a widow or widowers life, that I have been encouraged to share.

I never imagined that the man who would be “my one” would be recently widowed when we crossed paths. I had no thoughts on it either way prior to us meeting but in my imaginary meet cute story, this wasn’t part of the equation that I ever considered.

With a sizeable age gap and having been through a few tumultuous relationships already, I knew this relationship came with certain risks and asked the important questions from the get go.

• Widower. Do I get the sense that I’m just filling time for someone who is lonely? I’ve done that before, no thank you. Am I acting as a therapist or psychologist for someone in a downward spiral? There’s a difference between support and therapy sessions. Does he seem ready, wanting and able to commit to someone new? No, No and YES!
• Children. He was obviously done having children and I am at the age where if I were going to, it’s likely NOW! Could I live a fulfilled and loving life with this man (and a puppy) without children? Yes. Please reserve judgements.
• Age Gap. With the 21 year age difference (yes, we hear societies gasp!) studies do show that it’s very likely I’ll still be fairly young when my loving partner is, well very old. Am I prepared for that? By prepared I mean to live and go on at a fairly young age without him if that so happens.

None of the above proved difficult. The beginnings of our relationship showed me that we could have these conversations, talk them out together and make a decision from there with certainty.

It was what comes after the meeting that has proven difficult, challenging and for a lack of better words, thought provoking. When sharing some details with wonderful friends of mine their feedback was that our situation has opened up many important conversations in their own households and marriages and the households of their parents. What would you do if your husband or wife died? How soon is too soon? what would you want for your remaining partner? It’s because of them that I’ve decided to share our story, in the hopes that this oh so important conversation will happen between two people who love one another and that conversation will extend outwards to friends and family members.

I knew after meeting my partner that it would be too soon for the friends and family to meet me, however, I had only heard what warm and emotionally evolved people they are that there would be no way they would see him wanting to find love again as dishonourable to his wife. My intuition was correct and we both understood. He had shared news that he had met someone in the spirit of being open and inclusive as these are the people he had formed relationships with over the past 13 years and had intentions on keeping those relationships in tact.

People seemed happy for him…when they thought I was just a rebound.

The idea of him moving on into a serious loving relationship caused such an explosion that it went from bad to worse and amidst all of the grief came judgement, harsh words, broken bonds and friendships and misunderstandings on both sides, I’m sure. Having gone through this twice in my own life I understand what it is to lose the matriarch of the family, the person so powerful that she (and he) brought everyone together. I also understand what it is for the remaining partner to move on within six months and the sharpness of that.

I understand that I have been witness to friends and family members who despite the rawness of our losses acted with grace, respect, and love for the remaining partner who watched their partner wither away and die and while seeing them with someone new stung, hearts expanded and because of this beautiful unfolding out of tragedy, I already had an imprint on my heart of this experience. My experience, I’ve learned, was the exception.

I am grateful to have been taught this lesson twice in my lifetime before meeting my partner so I knew what this felt like and looked like.

There’s no easy side to this story. Everyone is hurting and everyone is affected by the loss, even by extension myself. When you get into a relationship with a widow or widower you accept the possibility of the following.

• People will dislike you without even knowing you
• People will not want to meet you
• People will most certainly judge you
• People will be angry at you
• People will vent irrationalities
• People will compare you to the lost love
• You’ll compare yourself to the lost love

These are ALL BYPRODUCTS OF GRIEF AND OFTEN MISPLACED.

So, here’s the pickle for the new love of widower. Where is that line you draw where you support and stick by your new partner when they’re being bombarded with negative comments against their character that you know to be false and just staying out of it? Where is the line where your character is being questioned by people who have never even taken a moment to meet you?

You have to learn that at the heart of it, it’s not about you and it really isn’t about your partner either.

It’s about grief.

It’s about anger.

It’s about old wounds that existed before you even came along that were ripped open by this new loss.

It’s about people who haven’t visited their own demons.

It’s about people who can’t accept what they cannot change.

It’s about regrets. Not yours or your partners.

Widows, widowers, and their new partners are easy and obvious targets for people who are grieving because it makes sense. We will always try to formulate a story and this one is as old as time itself.

Let me be clear that if something happens to me where I leave this world and my loving partner is left behind, I almost demand that everyone in my life meet his new love as soon as they know about her. Get to know her. OBSERVE! ASK QUESTIONS! I know it will be hard but I will be forever thankful from beyond that you took the time to care enough for my love to remain in his life and further, that you care enough to truly suss out whether this new person is a good seed or a bad apple.

I also encourage you to applaud anyone who has had the courage to love again, the desire to even want to live again, and to find beauty when their world was destroyed. My partner has handled himself with grace, openness, and non judgement even in the face of adversity.

Trust me, if you do this, your opinions will matter and carry all the weight in the world because they’re based on fact and not fiction.

Remember, an opinion won’t change anything, but love might.

Until next time,

ND xo

About The Author:

Nova Johnstone is the founder of www.njohnstoneandco.com supporting CEO’s and Executives worldwide to ease the stress in their day to day. She blogs on mental health, relationships, the journey’s of life and wellness. You can reach her at hello@njohnstoneandco.com