Kenny Weiss: Unprocessed Childhood Pain Drives Every Repetitive Life Struggle

The world seems to be reeling from one crisis to another. We’ve experienced a global pandemic, economic uncertainty, political and social turmoil. Then there are personal traumas that people are dealing with, such as the loss of a loved one, health issues, unemployment, divorce or the loss of a job.

Coping with change can be traumatic as it often affects every part of our lives. How do you deal with loss or change in your life? What coping strategies can you use? Do you ignore them and just push through, or do you use specific techniques?

In this series called “5 Things You Need To Heal After a Dramatic Loss Or Life Change” we are interviewing successful people who were able to heal after a difficult life change such as the loss of a loved one, loss of a job, or other personal hardships. We are also talking to Wellness experts, Therapists, and Mental Health Professionals who can share lessons from their experience and research.

As a part of this interview series, I had the pleasure of interviewing Kenny Weiss. Kenny Weiss is a personal development speaker, YouTuber and the author of Your J3ourney to Success. As an Emotional Mastery Coach and Founder of The Greatness Movement, he works with successful entrepreneurs, professional athletes, individuals, and families. He has been cited for his work in Psychology Today, Phoenix Magazine and Reader’s Digest among other popular publications.

Thank you so much for doing this with us! Before we start, our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us a bit about your childhood backstory?

Sure, I was 1 of 4 children raised by parents who were 16 & 18 when they married and had 4 children by the ages of 21 & 23. Our parents adored us but like most parents, their childhoods were difficult. My mother was adopted and abused and my father was physically abused as well. Since as a society, we really turn a blind eye to the difficulties of childhood and the perfectly imperfect mistakes our parents make, we are all being raised by hurt people. Therefore my childhood was filled with pain as well. My difficulties began early on. I was made into the golden child by mother and then awoke in the middle of the night to find her passed out naked on the toilet. That was the day I discovered she was an alcoholic. That scene was repeated throughout my childhood along with severe physical and mental abuse by a family member where my parents didn’t defend me, covert sexual abuse by my mother, (she never touched me but she sexualized her love for me) and a father who was highly critical and sabotaged my efforts. Needles to say, my childhood, while filled with amazing moments, was primarily filled with pain.

Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?

For me it came from the most influential counselor I worked with. I began seeing him after my first marriage where I experienced both physical and verbal abuse. After I shared my struggles with him he replied, “You know Kenny, when I was in your shoes, I went and became an expert.” That one sentence ignited a passion to do the work to discover why my life was the way it was and more importantly, “How” to change it. I pass that same gift on to all of my clients and University students.

You have been blessed with much success. In your opinion, what are the top three qualities that you possess that have helped you accomplish so much? If you can, please share a story or example for each.

For me, the most important are the words of my counselor, “Go become an expert.” No matter what desire a person has, developing the skills, tools and knowledge are always the pathway to the solution.

The second quality that has helped me the most is to ask myself every day, “Where am I in denial?” In other words, how am I choosing not to face some part of myself that is keeping me from what I want? Denial is a lack of truth and honesty. When we are not truthful and honest with ourselves we will always be diverted from our full potential.

The final quality that has helped me the most is to ask, “What is my part in this struggle?” That question, along with the previous two qualities led me to discover everything I now speak, write and teach about. The most current available science shows that we not only become, but we also relive our childhood pain against ourselves until we go back and heal it. For instance, I was physically and mentally abused by a family member. That unhealed pain led me to be attracted to a spouse who would treat me the same. Therefore, the combination of the three qualities, 1- Go become an expert. 2- Where am I in denial and 3- What part am I playing in this struggle opened me up to find the source of all of my/our problems, see my part in it, and do the work to heal and change. Now I have the process to find the answer to any block or difficulty in my life.

Let’s now shift to the main part of our discussion about ‘Healing after Loss’. Do you feel comfortable sharing with our readers about your dramatic loss or life change?

I have experienced many losses or dramatic life changes including, physical, emotional and covert sexual abuse as a child but the most significant loss or life change that started the whole ball rolling was at the age of 10 when I found my mother in the middle of the night passed out naked on the toilet. As an adult, those losses transformed into my experiencing multiple addictions, two horrific divorces, physical and emotional abuse by one of those spouses, a horrendous child custody battle where the mother created parental alienation, (which teaches the children to hate the other parent), bankruptcy, playing two professional sports that I know see I never wanted to play, and finally contemplating suicide.

What was the scariest part of that event? What did you think was the worst thing that could happen to you?

The scariest part occurred when I turned the corner and flipped on the light in the bathroom. The moment I saw my mother slumped, unconscious and naked, I felt this buzzing emanating from my feet and moving through my whole body much like Star Trek’s “Beam me up Scotty.” As that tingling progressed through my body, I began screaming inside myself….”I’m dying, I’m dying, I’m dying….” I knew instinctively that the authentic core of who I am was leaving me, there was nothing I could do to stop or change it, and I would never be the same.

How did you react in the short term?

The survival mechanism I used in the short term was to become the surrogate emotional spouse for both of my parents and the emotional support for my siblings. I was the one who calmed everyone down, I would sit and listen, I gave myself away in the hopes that if I could calm them, our household would calm down and therefore, I could get my life and my personal calm back.

After the dust settled, what coping mechanisms did you use?

As a result of that moment and all of the other traumatic moments in my childhood, I developed addictions to alcohol, sex, love, spending, tobacco and sugar. I also pursued sports in an attempt to get outside validation for the loss of authentic self esteem that was taking from me and was replaced with tremendous shame.

Can you share with us how you were eventually able to heal and “let go” of the negative aspects of that event?

I spent many decades reading books and seeing various counselors but what finally allowed me to heal was finding Mike Pinkston. He was the counselor that taught me the most about the process of healing.

Aside from letting go, what did you do to create an internal, emotional shift to feel better?

This is a difficult question to answer in a sentence or two. I wrote a whole book on what the healing process requires. To fully heal requires many aspects, modalities and it is not something that can be summed up in a superficial sentence. It is a life journey that a person must decide to dedicate themselves to. I can say that the most important aspect of that journey is to become an expert emotionally. Science now shows that nearly every thought we ever have begin’s with an emotion. Therefore, if we are thinking negatively it is because we are feeling negatively and those negative feelings are trapped unhealed feelings from our childhood. To change the thought we must change/heal the feeling. The ability to do that comes from gaining emotional mastery.

Is there a particular person who you are grateful towards who helped get you to cope and heal? Can you share a story about that?

That would be Mike Pinkston. When he made his profound statement to me, from that moment on, if he suggested a book I would have it read before our next session. If he didn’t have an answer, I found someone who did. His simple suggestion to go become an expert has been a mantra I live by when any situation in my life is not working.

Were you able to eventually reframe the consequences and turn it into a positive situation? Can you explain how you did that?

Yes, because of the three keys to my success I mentioned earlier, I have found a unique process that has been highly effective at helping not only myself but thousands of others reclaim their lives. The best way to explain it is by using the analogy of watching a 3-D movie without the glasses. If you do that you notice the colors and images are distorted but since we have seen a movie we sort of know what is happening, but it still isn’t completely clear why? I know see that is exactly how we all live our lives. We have all witnessed parenting, relationships and how others live their lives so we kind of know what to do but many things just aren’t clear. Mostly because as a society we still don’t educate on these topics. People aren’t bad, they just don’t have the information. Due to that fact, we can’t quite make sense of our lives, careers or relationships. Without that information what we don’t realize is that every choice we make including our friends, hobbies, careers and our relationships just have us repeating the trauma/pain, fear, shame and denial we all experienced in those unhealed, perfectly imperfect childhood moments. We are actually reliving all of it but we can’t clearly see that? And why is that? Because we don’t have the glasses. Well, I discovered the glasses. Now I can sit with anyone and no matter what struggle they are having be it personally or professionally, in just a few short moments I can easily show them how the unhealed pain from their past is being relived in the current moment. It is something I call “The Worst Day Cycle.” Therefore, the pain and consequences of my past became the gift I now get to share with others.

What did you learn about yourself from this very difficult experience? Can you please explain with a story or example?

What I learned is that every single so called “bad” situation in life is always a gift. By learning that all we are ever doing is repeating our unhealed trauma against ourselves in a subconscious attempt to show us what we need to go back and heal, whenever a difficult life situation comes up I immediately ask myself those three questions and get incredibly excited. The excitement comes from knowing that I am about to uncover another layer of perfect imperfection in myself and another layer of unhealed pain. When I make the choice to drop my denial, go become an expert and look for my part in creating the situation, I discover the necessary steps that will take me to the next stage of my success and development.

Fantastic. Here is the main question of our interview. Based on your experiences and knowledge, what advice would you give others to help them get through a difficult life challenge? What are your “5 Things You Need To Heal After a Dramatic Loss Or Life Change? Please share a story or example for each.

1. Go become an expert. Learn all of the skills, tools and knowledge necessary to overcome the life situation. If it is a death, learn how to grieve, if it is a bad relationship, learn about relationship dynamics..and so on.
2. Grieve the loss. Studies show that most illnesses and disease are caused by emotional pain that haven’t been processed. Grief also takes time. Studies also show that for every 3 years we were married it takes us one year to process the loss. It can be overwhelming to process loss all at once so it is best to schedule in times to move through the pain and recover our joy and peace.
3. Make self care a priority. Make a list of everything that brings us joy. Going for walks, hiking, traveling, our hobbies. When the process of grief overwhelms us we need to schedule in a break to take care of ourselves. Self care is not selfish it is a very important part of recovery.
4. Forgive ourselves. Many times after loss we our so hurt by another’s actions we just can’t forgive them. The final piece to letting go is to admit that this person, place or thing only entered our life because we allowed it to. While we think we can’t forgive them it is actually an inability to forgive ourselves for allowing it in. When we afford ourselves grace and recognize that we were just doing the best we could with who we were at the time, we can finally be free of the resentment and anger towards them and ourselves.
5. What is the gift? It has been my experience that every so-called “bad” situation has a silver lining. Bad life experiences give us the opportunity to discover new skills and tools which lead to a deeper safety, comfort and understanding of life. Pain is always growth and if we become an expert in using these steps, it has been my experience that they always lead to the greatest version of ourselves.

If you would like to watch a video where I explain the “5 Things” just click this link:

You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be?

I have already initiated that. It is called The Greatness Movement. The goal is to give everyone the skills, tools and knowledge to face and overcome their pain so that we can all live in the greatest version of ourselves!

We are very blessed that some very prominent names in Business, VC funding, Sports, and Entertainment read this column. Is there a person in the world, or in the US with whom you would love to have a private breakfast or lunch with, and why? He or she might just see this if we tag them. :-)

I love this question. In a perfect world there would be a dinner table big enough to fit all the people who have changed my life, Louise Hay, Byron Katie, Gabor Mate’, Bruce Lipton, Peter Levine, Antonio Damasio, Candace Pert, Pete Walker, Eckhart Tolle, Joe Dispenza, Tony Robbins, and so many others, but if I had to pick just one, it would be Pia Mellody. When I started on my journey, she was the first author my counselor suggested I read. Her work truly helped me put on the glasses of reality and diminish my confusion about my childhood and relationships. I began to grasp the concepts of codependence and love addiction that had been the invisible thread weaving together the relationships throughout my life. The world began to make sense in ways that I never imagined. I would love to sit across from her and hear more about her journey and what new revelations or epiphanies have emerged since she published her books. I know from my own experience and the work with my clients and University students that uncovering and healing our past is the secret to living to our full potential and living a life filled with joy.

How can our readers further follow your work online?

My websites: https://kennyweiss.net or https://thegreatnessmovement.com

YouTube:https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC5eK9c7LRJoK6NW52nlythw

Heal The Hurt Podcast: https://anchor.fm/healthehurtwithkenny

My Book, Your Journey To Success: https://www.amazon.com/Your-Journey-Success-Answers-Discover-ebook/dp/B078JKSYPJ

Facebook: kennyweiss.net

Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/coachkennyweiss/

Instagram: @Kennyweisscoach

Thank you so much for sharing these important insights. We wish you continued success and good health!