Derek Januszewski: Unresolved Trauma Drives Addiction And Only Spiritual Healing Delivers Lasting Recovery

As a part of my series about people who made the journey from an addict to an entrepreneur, I had the pleasure to interview Derek Januszewski.

Derek Januszewski is the founder and Lead Pastor at Pachamama Sanctuary. A survivor of tremendous abuse in many forms, Derek came to the medicine in 2017 after a decade-long battle with addiction. Through intense inner work, extensive work with medication, and countless hours working in service, Derek has healed much of his trauma. The spiritual healing he received through medicine inspired him to start the Pachamama Sanctuary to help others find their path to health and happiness.

Derek is passionate about being in service to others. He is always ready to lend a hand in any capacity; what he loves most is assisting and guiding struggling people and taking on the work to find personal acceptance and growth. Derek spends much of his time helping people integrate their processes and is readily available to help those in need however possible. He is also a father of 3 children.

About Pachamama Sanctuary

Pachamama Sanctuary, an ayahuasca center in Southern Maine, was founded in 2019. Since its inception, its mission has been to raise collective consciousness through the sacrament of Ayahuasca. Ayahuasca is a tea derived from plants from the Amazon rainforest. It has helped people gain insight and clarity into past traumas and provides a chance to find peace resulting from addiction, PTSD, or negative cycles. Founder and Lead Pastor Derek Januszewski oversees individual sanctuaries and is responsible for general oversight of the organization and safety guidelines and standards.https://www.pachamamaretreats.org/

Thank you so much for doing this with us! Can you describe your childhood for us?

“My childhood was drenched in abuse. My father left before I had memories, and my mother was a belligerent alcoholic. My babysitters abused me, too. I spent my adolescence in West Springfield and my preteen years in Jacksonville, Florida, where I was one of the only white children. I was beat up a lot, and unfortunately, I really didn’t fit in. My father came back into my life when I was in high school, and I moved out of my mom’s house and in with my dad, but he was working so much I barely saw him.”

Can you share with us how were you initially introduced to your addiction? What drew you to the addiction you had?

I was introduced to cocaine by a woman I was dating when I was 20. At first, it was occasional, but it quickly became an intense compulsion. I quit a few months in. The next time I used was right after I moved out of my marital home — and that took away all of the feelings of pain and loss from the divorce. That set me off on a 15-year on-and-off addiction that got dark a few times.

What do you think you were really masking or running from in the first place?

After much shadow work and work with traditional medicines like ayahuasca, I found the root of my trauma. It stems from the ongoing sexual abuse and my father’s rejection. My constant fear of worthlessness and being unlovable.

Can you share what the lowest point in your addiction and life was?

My lowest point was when I missed a speech I was supposed to give at a local healing center about ayahuasca and its healing properties. It was a public relapse. I stayed out for a few days just to return home to the state’s letter saying I couldn’t have retreats anymore. This essentially bankrupted the sanctuary I had built from the ground up and myself. I was ready to end my life.

Can you tell us the story about how you were able to overcome your addiction?

I didn’t know how I could come back from this. I started contemplating suicide and writing a letter, but a friend showed up and encouraged me to get help. When I agreed (to get her off my back), she stayed with me for three days and delivered me to a rehabilitation facility in Derry, New Hampshire, called “The Granite House.”

I was in my ego the first week and didn’t think I belonged there. That’s when the facility taught me about the disease model of addiction. This is where I learned about my physical allergy to alcohol and drugs. When I consume them, my body reacts abnormally, creating the phenomenon of craving, which does not respond to reasons to stop. They explained how the disease centers in the mind through obsession, making mental blank spots and peculiar mental twists that convince you that you are not sick and that you can drink or take drugs with impunity despite the evidence. They explained that my spiritual malady and loss of values fuel the cycle, so the only solution is spiritual. As soon as I saw that, I immediately realized I was sick and agreed. That’s when I dove headfirst into taking a fearless and searching moral inventory of myself. The more I leaned into it, the better I felt, and here we are nearly a year later with total sobriety!

How did you reconcile within yourself and to others the pain that addiction caused to you and them?

I am still working on that. I’ve forgiven myself, but there is more work to do. I see what happened as a blessing now. I am healing parts of myself that I didn’t know were sick, and I can now see how this work has improved me as a friend, father, leader, and neighbor. I have reconciled with some of the people who were hurt; others, I have not yet reached out. That comes in Step 9, which I am rigorously working toward. The best I can do right now is to trust the process, lean into the work, and not pick up old habits. I destroyed quite a few relationships, including the relationship with my son. I say my prayers daily, speak up when I have intrusive thoughts or cravings, and write, write, write. I’ll get there someday, to my amends. Today, I stay sober.

When you stopped your addiction, what did you do to fill in all the newfound time you had?

At first, I was in an inpatient rehab, where nearly every hour of my day was structured. We had meditation at 7 AM, 8 hours of programming throughout the day, chores, and a speaker at 7 PM. I read, played ukulele, and wrote when I wasn’t busy. After leaving the facility, I went to a PHP/IOP program with a similar schedule. At about 85 days of sobriety, I moved into a sober house, where I had difficulty adjusting. Eventually, I started working again to get the sanctuary back open, going to 10–15 weekly meetings, writing, and playing guitar for hours. From there, work and conferences increased, but writing has filled my free time. I haven’t had a problem with staying busy. I never have. I love to be in motion, creating something.

What positive habits have you incorporated into your life post-addiction to keep you on the right path?

Prayer, meditation, daily personal inventory, honesty in my relationships, guitar, better diet, more showers (lol), daily reading, personal time, better boundaries, less critical self-talk, healthier thoughts, weekly sessions with a psychologist, cleaner room, making my bed daily.

Can you tell us a story about how your entrepreneurial journey started?

My entrepreneurial journey started very early, around the age of seven. I got a tackle box for my birthday that doubled as a seat. It had a cooler on the bottom and a tray for tackle on top. I went to a local discount store and bought a couple of boxes of candy bars. Since our school went around selling chocolate bars as a fundraiser, I decided to go door to door and sell candy bars. I bought them for 15 cents each and sold them for 50 cents. The school bars were $1.

Throughout my life, I had the entrepreneurial spirit, fueling me to do many things, including but not limited to baseball cards and setting up shows, growing cannabis, harvesting mushrooms from local cow pastures, buying, renting, and selling houses, network marketing, running Poker games, and many other endeavors. When I found ayahuasca, I had no intention of opening a church. When I fell out of alignment with the place I was working, an opportunity came knocking, and after some resistance, I finally agreed to organize one retreat. Four and a half years later, I turned my initial $150 into a thriving sanctuary that hosts around 100 people per month.

It was not without difficulty. Having never operated any kind of real organization before or led a team of people, the weight of everything consumed and eventually crushed me. I knew I was harming myself energetically and psychologically at the time, but my ego made me believe that I could handle it without breaking. That was not the case. I relapsed spectacularly. My team and the community were aware of what was happening on some level, but nobody knew what was truly happening. That’s when Suzanne approached me, and I ended up in rehab.

Since then, I have learned to delegate, ask for help, and put my sobriety first. Doing all this and learning what it means to be an authentic leader has made me a better person and a more effective entrepreneur. I learned that it’s not lonely at the top. First of all, there is no “top” that I can conceive. In context, however, there is no way to reach the top without great people around me. I wouldn’t ever have it any other way today.

What character traits have you transferred from your addiction to your entrepreneurship. Please share both the positive and negative.

Resourcefulness, perseverance, and obsession. On the positive side, resourcefulness is invaluable. As an addict, I would find all kinds of creative ways to get my fix. Many of them were not very ethical when I was in my addiction. Still, creative problem-solving skills and unwavering dedication to achieving goals have served me well now that I have directed them toward healthy paths.

Why do you think this topic is not discussed enough?

Discussing addiction and recovery is infrequent for two reasons: the stigma and shame/guilt that come with addiction and the pressure and misunderstanding around the anonymity part of the 12-step programs. Guilt and shame are the big ones, though. I have difficulty getting vulnerable about abuse because I am embarrassed about my behavior and how many people I hurt. I’ve learned that the more vulnerable I can be, the better I feel. Thankfully, meetings and friend groups who are in recovery have allowed me to feel a lot more comfortable sharing this stuff. Sharing my feelings with the public is far scarier.

Can you share three pieces of advice that you would give to the entrepreneur who is struggling with some sort of addiction but ashamed to speak about it or get help?

First and foremost, you matter. Your health, your happiness, and your safety do too. No matter what you said or did in the past or how you feel about yourself, you matter.

Second, it takes more strength to ask for help than it does alone, which can be scary. There is a lot of support and love out there waiting for you if you just surrender and receive the help you need and deserve.

Lastly, and most importantly, this is a disease of the body, mind, and spirit; without treatment, it won’t go away. Addiction is NOT a disease of willpower. It is a physical allergy that creates the phenomenon of craving. This mental obsession twists reality and makes us think we can drink or use it with impunity, ultimately creating a spiritual malady that makes us do things we usually never do. It is not your fault, and you can recover.

How can our readers follow you on social media?

@ayahuascacoach on Tiktok, Derek Januszewski on social media as well as Pachamama Sanctuary, and @derekjanuszewski on Instagram

Thank you so much for your insights. That was really inspiring!